i finally can let to rest something that has bothered me for months. i'm glad because i think i came out better, not bitter.

there are so many things happening now, and i have to try and do my part for my loved ones, despite being in my state. good luck to myself.

on looking back, blood red is a colour my life painting has been missing. now, with it, my portrait looks quite life-like. ironically, it's now more beautiful because of what happened.

so is it my fault? well i screwed up. for the past, i admit it's mine. the present, i don't claim any.
so is it your fault? well i can't say that either. we are the accumulation of our past experiences. can i really say that your actions are of your doing? not entirely.

guess there just leaves the gray area. where we stop thinking about who-is-what and who-is-which.

i guess what matters is we step into somewhere more white or black.

let go. for you will want to experience, and you regret every potentially embarrassing thing you did not over the security you traded it for.


so i shall. an emotional roller-coaster, no doubt.

i do not know where the train will lead me.

read, understand, try, test, learn, apply --> recycle
climb a step, look up the ladder, don't see the end.
i see some butts though, and so i'm compelled to climb higher.
the triangle of health, wealth and relationships.

these days, i don't know any more.
i don't know how to climb any more.
i'm still yearning.
i fall simply for the sake of learning to climb.
no one's ever taught me.
so fine, i will go about it myself.
but it hurts man, it hurts.


-i'm not where i want to be. i'm not even sure if i'm heading there. i'm was never even sure if that's where i think i really want to be. but i walk. better than staying still. what am i doing wrong?-

there comes a time when we first hear them, and think that the awful simplicity of it could have been conceived by any dimtard, and surely could not be a waypoint by which we could expect our personal lives.

then there comes a time to some people, when all the drama has unfolded, do you REALLY realise that these adages come not from superficial, logical situations but from events that reach far and beyond our limited ability to comprehend them. and when i did, the only response i could muster to my sudden revelation was. "O.O!!!!!" and a "SHIT, ZOMG".

now i'm eternally humbled. not by any event, but by the revelations i dig from repeatedly running sequences through my mind. i can only say, that i grew up in a big way.

thank you world, and sorry suckers. i live my internal life peacefully now.

be everything, see nothing with preconceptions(as much as possible), close one eyes to whatever you can, if not close both.

filling the spectrum of duality.
stand back and see.

i need your wisdom. this era is too complex.

for i have no mouth, and i must scream.



8:04pm. staring blankly at this screen. wondering why i cannot be even a shadow of my past, and then wondering what the path of the future will look.

8:05pm. noticed i missed the transition from 4 to 5. taking in slow breaths, wondering what i'm doing. yes.. i

8:06pm. know that everybody has their own problems, and other people's lives always look greener than your own. but, why am i so.... confused over the purpose

8:07pm. of my life? why am i so bothered? i have a university placing and scholarship to worry and look forward to. i have, potentially more people to meet. i OUGHT TO HAVE SO MUCH AHEAD OF ME. why is it that i feel nothing? as if i'm a spectre floating on this earth.

8:08pm. confidence? what is that? an ability to shun the realities, and pretend it's all okay? or the ability to overcome? what do

8:09pm i overcome then? i'm just like a philosophical zombie.

....


8:10pm i want meaning. without meaning, i cannot pick myself up again. yes maybe i've mired myself in my studies and planning my future excessively, such that i really lost touch with my humanity. maybe. what is it that i must do then?

8:11pm i can question everything. but no god damn answer. i used not to think too much, and i was dumb. but i was happy, and i could make others happy. now i just make myself so emo

8:12pm tionless. i don't connect anything but seriously with people anymore. do i really have to so serious all the time? lighten up? how the fuck are we going to do that? i've been at it for months,

8.13pm i haven't even began on the right path.

8:14pm am i actually sad? no. emotionless again. no tinge of anything, just me typing away whatever you're saying. is it melancholy?

8:15pm i'm not to let myself sink in. i will not encourage myself anymore. neither shall i resign to fate. i will only do or die.

piece(s) out.

i don't feel anything for my current lifestyle anymore. my body aches to be elsewhere, with everything new and fresh. i need a new life, where i fit with my environment. singapore, you have treated me well, but i can hardly be that piece of jigsaw that ought to be part of you. My mold is different, even from my peers. they can emphatize, but they have yet to understand.

our experiences can never be the same. they like to absorb their experiences from their personal experiences. i like to do that from others'. hence, i'm built as an amalgam of scant foreign influences from the past and present.

or maybe it isn't that.
anyhow, i don't feel like i belong anywhere.

they say, a busy man makes no time for thoughts. guide me then, to somewhere where i can lose them in bliss.